College

My mom and I went to SLCC today to see if we can sell my books and talk to a councilor. We tour the campus and we find out where my classes are. We look for the books I'll be needing. Then we sign onto the computers to check on when my classes start. My humanities class was going to start in 30 minutes! I was freaking out. I couldn't believe it. We quickly bought me some supplies; notebook, pens, folder and one of the required books (yoga). My mom left me there at the school and I went to my first class at college. I cannot believe that I am now a college student still in high school. I am the youngest in my class. Most of the other students are probably in their twenties or thirties and here I am at the age of 17. We had a full class today. It was really interesting. I already took a ton of notes. Yoga starts in June so I have sometimes before I have to go. School is now on Monday and Wednesdays! It's gonna be crazy. College here I come!

Important People in My Life

To the people who have helped me the most.
This list may look small but those on it have changed me for the better. They have helped form me for the future. Growing up has always terrified me and I am about to step into that void. Thank you to everyone else for being my friend.

1. My mother – Where to begin? You are one crazy lady, ignoring the part of you that wanted out of the closet, to have me. Always being there for whenever I needed you. Listening when I needed it most. Being my hero. Being my example when I’m not doing the right things. Sticking up for me. Not letting me put my guard down. Dealing with me as I get older. Treating me like a responsible human being. You are one brave woman to deal with me for almost eighteen years. All of our ups and downs. I can’t even begin to apologize for all the things I’ve done wrong that you’ve looked over and ignored. Making me give my best. Loving me. Thank you so much, for everything, including being born. I love you.

2. My father – My distant friend. The one I can trust to keep my secrets. I trust you with my whole being. I feel as if we understand each other fully. I know that soon I will be further away, and it scares me. I don’t want to be too busy for you. I want to be able to have time to be with you. You have showed me how to be beautiful from the inside out. We may argue but we always walk away from it growing from each other. I think that growing up has strengthened our relationship. You have been teaching me how to get better along with people. You have taught me how to defend myself. You are so smart because of your experiences. I know that you will always be there for me anytime. Thank you so much for making me become a better person. I love you.

3. My siblings – You may not know it but I learn from you. I watch how you guys handle things and I learn how to take different perspectives. You taught me how to be careful of what I say and do because those affect the people around me. You told me that I was beautiful even when I didn’t feel like it. You taught me how to love in different ways. You make me want to scream sometimes but I would never want to harm you. I may not get to see you very often but I always think of you. The pictures in my room keep me connected. I cannot forget about you. Thank you for teaching me about how to love differently. I love each of you.

4. Leslie – My best friend. Before I met you I didn’t know the real definition for a real true friend. You have totally altered that definition. I could not ask for more. I have learned so much life values from being around you. You are an amazing person. You bring the best out of those around you. You strive to do your very best and it shows. You introduced me to so many other amazing people that I never would have had the chance to meet. You made me excel at school. I tried so hard to try to get better scores than you so I felt like I actually did something good. Most of the time that did not work. You have taught me that it is good to be different but people will still love you no matter what. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you.

5. Laurel – I can’t even begin to say my thanks for this year. Our friendship has seriously changed. I can’t even believe that I use to hate you. I am so ashamed at myself for what I had said and done to you in middle school. I have been running you lately because Leslie has been super busy, but in the process I have learned that you are so beautiful in the inside. You radiate this beauty that I want to soak up. You make me laugh all the time and you pick me up when I am feeling horrible. I may constantly call you a flirt but it is so cute and you. Thank you for always being there to cheer me up. I love you.

6. Shaun – My big brother. What to say to you? Honestly I never would have thought that I would be your friend. But here we are. All our stupid comments to each other and our aggressive attacks. I guess that’s my way of saying how much I appreciate and love you. You let me take all the built up aggression inside of me and attack you with it; usually you attack back but I deserve it. I wish that these past few years that I actually got to hang out with you more. We had a few nights where it was just us and those were great memories. You are an amazing listener and know just what to do to cheer me up. You saved me from an anxiety attack. Thank you so much for being yourself around me. I love you.

7. Alyce – My crazy theatre buddy. I don’t remember how exactly we met. I think it was in theatre but I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter to me though. What matters is that you are my friend. I’ve watched you have your ups and downs. Lately it has been a lot of downs. I want to see the spunky fun Alyce again. UTA this year wasn’t very great. I had to share you. I loved hanging out with you by myself and enjoying myself. We grew together in theatre. You are beautiful. No matter what people may say. I hope that one day you will be truly happy. Thank you for making me crazy! I love you.

8. Matt – My little brother. You basically know what I think about you right now. I cannot believe that you are leaving in less than a month. These past few years have gone by so fast. Looking back at all our memories. I was happy. You made me happy. I trust you. You told me that I was beautiful and I felt it. I only regret one thing between us. Thank you for loving me. I love you.

9. Willden – My teacher. I never thought that theatre could teach me life lessons. And here I am learning to be myself. Being with other teens that love the same things I do and having problems just like me saves me. I’ve often heard that I need to find myself. At one of the drama club activities when I asked you for help, you gave me more than help; you gave me hope to finding myself. I know that I can trust you. You’ve made fun of me the whole time I’ve had you as my teacher but I’ve learned to take it. Being a loser is great and looking like a girl helps my self-esteem. You have been the only teacher to actually listen to me and appreciate me. Thank you for doing your job. I love you.

another step

growing up. i never thought that i would. being a little kid and wondering if i'd be a good mommy. dating those gross boys who had cooties that one day i'd be married to. leaving the home i never wanted to leave. living in a world i was comfortable with. age comes fast when life is great. before i know it, it's leaving me. change. new change. not old things that i love. new. i want to stay where i am for a little big longer. be me. not an adult that has responsibility. here it is; right around the corner. a new life. a new me. i am growing up and i am scared.

I am the savage running through the leaves of the trees. I am the savage that paints with mud. I am the savage that can find fear. I can show beauty in forms of uncivilized ways. I can become one with nature. I am a follower of the wind and soul. My tangled hair shows my strange ways. My rough hands shows the trials I've gone through. My strange language shows that I can learn. I am the savage of our society. The uncivilized beauty. A savage.

Once Upon a Time... for who? Is dreaming about a prince or a knight to come and rescue me a hopeless daydream? My fantasy becoming a non-reality. How am I being affected by these fairytales of beautiful princesses and princes that find true love. Am I not entitled to these as well? I want to be a princess. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. This is my fairytale. My secret. My want and desire. Let it be my Once Upon a Time.

Goddess

Today I roam my empty house with my wavy hair. My flowy white shirt reminding me of a toga. My simple features enhanced by the sun's rays. I feel like a goddess. I am a goddess. In my own world of quiet simplness. I am the Goddess of being Simple.

School...

Senior, last year to make a difference.
Dances, finding that high school sweetheart.
Teachers, friends that teach us.
Friends, start saying goodbye.
Homework, almost done.
Colleges, here I come.
Dreams, still making new ones and forgetting old ones.
Future, stepping closer.
School...